Coercive Control

“Coercive control creates invisible chains and a sense of fear that pervades all elements of a victim’s life. It works to limit their human rights by depriving them of their liberty and reducing their ability for action. Experts like Evan Stark liken coercive control to being taken hostage. As he says: “the victim becomes captive in an unreal world created by the abuser, entrapped in a world of confusion, contradiction and fear.”  

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

What is coercive control?

Coercive Control is controlling behaviour from another person which impacts your freedom and your positive sense of who you are.

It is a hidden form of abuse that can go undetected for years, which is why it can affect anyone. This kind of abuse is really an umbrella term for a whole host of abusive behaviours which are used to control and manipulate you. Over a long period of time coercive control reduces the quality of your life and can hugely impact how you operate and even how you feel about yourself. It is something that is being done to you without your knowledge. It is a way of creating doubt in your mind.

Here’s an example to help explain things a little more

Danny doesn’t want Carly looking too attractive at her office party. Instead of saying he’s worried about other men, he looks at her and says, “That dress seems tighter than last time… makes you look a bit bigger.”

Carly, like most women, doesn’t want to feel bigger than she is. So what does she do? She changes into something looser, something that hides her figure. The excitement she felt about the party fades—she no longer feels sexy or confident. She just wants to blend in.

So what just happened?

Danny got exactly what he wanted—without having to argue, demand, or even seem controlling. He planted a seed of doubt, knowing that if Carly didn’t feel attractive, she wouldn’t shine, and other men wouldn’t notice her. On the surface, he sounds concerned, maybe even kind. But this isn’t kindness. It’s control.

Carly won’t even complain later that she felt frumpy, because technically, Danny didn’t tell her to change. But he made sure she did. That’s the power of coercive control—it’s subtle, sneaky, and leaves no real evidence behind.
The scariest part? Carly did have a choice—but she didn’t feel like she did. Coercive control works by playing on our deepest insecurities, often ones we don’t even realise we have. And when someone like Carly already doubts herself, it’s even easier for someone like Danny to twist that self-doubt to his advantage.
This is why coercive control is so dangerous. It’s not loud. It’s not obvious. But it is abuse.

Those who use coercive control within their relationships are usually masters at manipulation. 

Coercive control is used to reduce your freedom; to make you dependent upon your partner; looking to them to know how you should live your life. Often leaving you hungry for scraps of praise.
This poisonous form of control reduces your capacity to think and act independently, making it so much harder for you to leave this kind of relationship.

What does coercive control feel like?

Do you ever feel like you have somehow been tricked into doing something you didn’t want to do, or pushed into accepting behaviours that you don’t actually approve of?

Your partner might engage in behaviours that outwardly appear helpful or considerate (to others), yet in reality, these actions leave you feeling trapped or manipulated. Despite these feelings, voicing your concerns becomes challenging as your partner justifies their actions with statements like, “I’m only looking out for you because I care about you.”
Worse still, if you don’t accept or acknowledge the actions graciously, your partner often responds in unkind or verbally aggressive ways towards you. This ensures your compliance in the future.

Definition of Coercive Control

Behaviours (sometimes masked as positive actions), that move you in a partner’s desired direction, that create a negative or resistant response within you, yet you find yourself conforming. 

If you have experienced this, you will know the agony of living with conflicting emotions; second guessing yourself and questioning, “Am I making a big deal out of nothing?”.
Wondering if you’re going crazy, because your partner seems so reasonable, and your internal response so out of proportion.
“What they’re doing isn’t really such a ‘big deal’ is it?”
ANYTHING that diminishes you or your sense of yourself, IS a huge BIG DEAL!
Please don’t ignore it! 

Low self-esteem, often caused by a partner ignoring your needs or forcing their own needs upon you, is a major factor in mental health. It affects all aspects of your life and harms both you and your other relationships.

Coercive control in action

You might imagine, (as an intelligent person whose self-esteem isn’t in their boots), that if your partner told you,
“no one will ever love you the way I do”,
that you’d be able to recognise this as the outright lie that it is and say,
“stop talking rubbish!”

However, if we’re told something often enough our brains allow its sentiments to take up space inside of us.  
Self-doubt creeps in and takes root without us even realising it.

Negative programming, such as this, is abusive.  

We are all potential victims of emotional abuse.

If you look ‘coercive‘ up in the dictionary you will find that it relates to forcing or intimidating someone into doing something that they don’t want to do.
If the act of ‘coercion’ within a relationship isn’t overtly forceful, then this might explain why many of us don’t recognise this as a form of abuse within our partnerships.

Coercive control works quietly in the background, shaping your choices without you even realising. Your subconscious learns that not going along with things leads to consequences—whether that’s an argument, sulking, or the dreaded silent treatment. Either way, it’s uncomfortable, and over time, you start changing your behaviour just to keep the peace.

“Controlling behaviour works to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour.”

https://reporsupport.qmul.ac.uk/campaigns/coercive-control-in-relationships-know-the-signs

Am I experiencing coercive control within my own relationship?

A checklist for you to consider; do any of these sound familiar?

• Your partner wants or needs to know where you are at all times, eg they might manipulate, or coerce you into putting a tracker on your phone.
  
• Your partner offers to help you with your finances, this enables them to see what you have and know what you spend your money on.
  
• Your partner gives you money and then demands to know what you have been spending it on. Making comments such as, “how did you manage to get through so much money when I pay for everything already” or “I didn’t give you that money to spend on [so-an-so].”
  
• Your partner often reminds you that “no one will ever love you like they do”.
  
• Your partner makes you feel uncomfortable about seeing your family or friends, isolating you from others. Sometimes making comments such as “we’re so much happier when it’s just us, we don’t need anyone else”.
  
• Your partner takes away your means of independence. They encourage you for example to give up your job, and then repeatedly remind you that they are looking after you. They coerce you into believing that you won’t cope alone, that you won’t financially survive without them.
  
• Sulking behaviours from your partner. Or a metaphorical throwing of arms in the air and declaring they are “done with helping you”. All in response to you disagreeing with their actions. This behaviour elicits an apologetic, passive or compliant response from you.
  
• Buying you expensive gifts and then constantly reminding you how well they treat you. Obligating you to continue the relationship, or to be compliant to any of their requests.
  
• Repeatedly interrupting your work or phone calls, because they need to know what you are up to.
  
• Checking on you during the day by text or phone. Commenting negatively if you don’t respond to the messages or calls quickly enough. Passive aggressively questioning “where have you been all day that you don’t have time to respond to me”?
  
• Checking who you are communicating with physically (by looking) or by constantly asking who you are on the phone messaging. Making remarks which have an under tone of accusation [passive aggressive], such as “well someone really wants to get hold of you badly don’t they”? or “whose got all your attention tonight”?
  
• Making suggestions which on the surface seem to make good sense and look after you, but in practice isolate you, or reduce your independence. Comments such as; “we don’t need two cars, you can use mine, it’ll save you some money not having to insure or tax your car”. Or “you hate your job, why don’t you give it up and come and live with me”.
  
• Being jealous, making unfounded accusing comments such as “you can’t keep your eyes off him/her for a single minute”, when you haven’t done anything wrong.  
  Making you feel as if you have to justify yourself.  Comments that force you to adjust your behaviour because the undertones make you feel dirty, or fearful of reprisal. Jealously complaining as a way to get you to minimise contact with others.
  
• Having sex with you or performing sexual acts when it is clear that you don’t want this and are not actively participating. [It is abuse if you disregard a person’s consent].
  
• Constant comments about how they have been starved of sex, making it sound like a joke but you are left feeling attacked and guilty. The result is often that you feel pushed into having sex just to keep the peace.
  
• Berating you like a child. Verbally dominating you, or continuing to lay into you when it is clear that you are distressed, feeling wounded or wanting to leave the space.  Insisting that you make eye contact with them when it is clear that you are uncomfortable and wanting to retreat.
  
• Threatening to take things away from you that they have given you, such as your mobile phone.  Threatening to no longer help you with things that they have previously managed for you, such as your finances.
  
• Repeatedly reminding you of your failings or inability to cope without their support, eg “where would you be without my money /input”?
  
• Reinforcing gender roles as a means of dominance. E.g getting angry if you mow the lawn or interfere with jobs they associate as belonging to their gender exclusively.  Such as always insisting on driving when you go out for the day [reducing your confidence, and independence].
  
• Indirectly criticising you. Creating an undercurrent of feeling that you don’t quite, ‘hit the mark’, disguised sometimes as [endearing or harmless] terms such as “my quirky, odd or weird little girl”.  Making you feel that somehow you don’t actually fit anywhere, which adds power to statements like “no one could ever love you like I do”.  This increases your dependency upon their good will.
  
• Wanting everything their way, and if it isn’t done how they like it, there are consequences. This could be extreme or simply punishment by sulking or giving you the silent treatment.
  
• Constantly being told what you should do, treating you like you are a child and they are the parent in control.  From where you park your car in a carpark, to them hovering over you and telling you what to say when you are on the phone to your mobile phone provider.
  
• Possessive behaviour. This is a form of jealousy, where your partner keeps you close, and makes it very uncomfortable for you to share your time with others.  Creating a feeling of ‘being owned’.
  
• Your partner likes to hold the attention of others, when you are in a group, [often playing the clown or joker] and is noticeably uncomfortable when you are the centre of attention. They might talk over you or put you down in front of others, as a means of regaining control.

If these behaviours have struck a cord within you, then it is possible that you are in an unhealthy or even abusive relationship. 
For more information about this, you might like to visit my
Is my relationship abusive? blog.

So what now?

If you’ve realised your relationship is unhealthy and isn’t meeting your needs, the next step is understanding that you can’t change it.

Coercive control keeps you believing that if you just tried harder; if you were different, better, more this or less that, everything would be okay. But that’s the trap. It’s designed to keep you there, trying to fix something that isn’t yours to fix.

The hard truth is you’re not responsible for your partner’s behaviour. Their controlling ways likely come from their own past, but that doesn’t make it okay, and it certainly doesn’t mean you have to accept it.

An abusive partner won’t see their behaviour as the problem, so they won’t be looking to change it. And trying to ‘help’ or ‘fix’ them, that only drains you further. You’re not their therapist, and you don’t have to be.

The real question now is, how can you take care of you?

What can I do?

1] My first suggestion would be, if it is safe to do so, to keep a journal of some sort. This helps you to note down what is actually happening within the relationship from your view point at the time of the incident. It is not distorted by time or by the views of your partner.  You can write things such as, events that happen, your partner’s reactions, what was said and how this made you feel.

Gradually you might find yourself questioning why your partner behaves as they do?  Seeing your relationship from this angle can provide a healthy distance from which to begin to consider changes.

You might also note down any physical responses within your body, or any aliments that you are suffering.  For example, “this pain in my side just won’t go away” or “I’m constantly plagued by headaches”.  

Journaling can alleviate confusion about your circumstances and reduce self-criticism.

It is a good starting point to help you look objectively at your life, and to notice any coercive behaviours within your relationship.

2] Read as much as you can on the subject of emotional abuse.  When you are familiar with emotional abuse and how it impacts a person, you will begin to develop acceptance that it could be happening to you too.  The denial of what is happening to you will gradually lessen, giving you the power to move towards changing your situation. 

3] Get the judging and self-recrimination out of the way as early as you can. You are not stupid! You do not deserve this!
This will leave you with increased mental capacity to deal with the changes that you want to make.

4] Know what your rights are. The links at the bottom of this page will help you to understand what your rights are and how to ensure these are met.

5] Spend some time each day inside your own head. Think about how you would like to feel, how you would like to be treated, and what you would like your life to look like. Notice any differences with how your current life is.

“It is a criminal offence in England and Wales for someone to subject you to coercive control. If you experience this kind of abuse you can report it to the police. You may also be able to apply to the Family Court for protection”. 

Rights of women explained https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/  Rights of men explained https://mensadviceline.org.uk/

For many victims of emotional abuse the very thought of leaving is so big and terrifying that they stop there. 
Avoid frightening yourself and approach the above suggestions very gently.

Please know it is safe to begin to imagine a different life for yourself, living it on the inside, before you begin moving towards living it on the outside. 

When you feel stronger about living a different life you can begin to consider where you could go?  
Do you have friends or family that you could temporarily live with?
Do you know what community support is available? 

At the bottom of this article is a list of contacts that you could contact for support.

I’m ready to leave now – what do I take?

Once you feel more comfortable with the idea of leaving you can begin to consider what you might need to take with you.

It isn’t always possible to leave an abusive relationship in an organised and planned way. You might find you make the decision, and you need to leave immediately.

It might be a good idea to make sure you are organised and ready now, in case you decide to leave in the future.

You might need to locate important documents in advance, such as;
 

• Bank details
• Birth certificate
• Passport
• Photographs of loved ones
• Keep sakes
• Telephone numbers of people who can help and support you when you leave (in case you have to leave without your phone)
• A bag with a change of clothes is also a good idea, in case you leave in a hurry

Put these items somewhere safe where they won’t be discovered. You could even ask someone else to keep them safe for you.

Don’t get too hung up on taking too much stuff with you. 
You just want to ensure that you have what is essential.

Don’t be afraid to reach out for support, leaving an abusive relationship is not easy, and knowing that you are not alone is really important. 

If you are in immediate threat of violence then I urge you to reach out to the police.

Below you will find further help and support.

Find support today and free yourself from your coercive controlling relationship

No one should ever have to live under the threat of abuse or violence.

If you reach out you will find there are people who are willing to help you.

Further support

If you have any concerns about coercive control or emotional abuse within your relationship, don’t be afraid to seek help.

To speak to professionals who are trained in dealing with domestic abuse, try one of the following resources:

• Victim Support: a charity supporting those through traumatic experiences.
• National Domestic Abuse Helpline: freephone, 24-hour helpline.
• Women’s Aid: a charity which aims to end domestic abuse against women.
• ManKind: support for men experiencing domestic abuse.
• Relate: a charity providing support to couples, families and young people.
• Refuge: supporting women against domestic violence and abuse.
• Rights of Women:  information about rights of women & support https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/coercive-control-and-the-law/