To swoon or not to swoon…?

Do I have to swoon over my partner to know it’s a good relationship?

The question of swooning may seem peculiar to consider, but I feel it worthy of some investigation. We’ve been conditioned to believe, especially heterosexual women, by literature, TV shows and movies, and more latterly via social media – that a great relationship always starts with a good-old-fashioned-light headed-knee-wobbbling-back-of-hand-on-forehead-SWOON! But does swooning for someone mean they are “the one” for you?

A brief history

I have to tell you, ‘swooning’ was an actual thing back in the late 1800/ early 1900’s.
They even had ‘fainting rooms’. Rooms in which women could recover from overwhelming sensations of shock, love, or fear. To name but a few things that a woman was actually allowed to be overwhelmed by back in the day!

Fainting rooms were furnished with ‘fainting couches’ – can you believe it? Designed particularly to accommodate a ‘swooning, or overwhelmed female figure’. In truth these rooms were probably designed by prudish patriarchs, to keep socially undesirable displays of (female) emotion out of view.
Or am I just being cynical?

Some research suggests that swooning might have been a way of demonstrating a unique ‘female quality’, “fainting became expected and downright ladylike”. (https://kellygoshorn.com/archives/2018/04/swooning-a-victorian-fad)

It is considered by some researches to have been largely a habit of the middle and upper classes. Serving as a means of demonstrating a ‘delicateness’ enjoyed only by well-to-do ladies.

Some researchers have gone so far as to imply that these qualities were often used as a way of manipulating men. Engaging men in a sort of ‘rescuing behaviour’, forcing their hand into offering their masculine services, to distressed damsels (no comment!). 

Or perhaps it was just the underwear of the era. The corset, a fascinatingly over-engineered and monstrous invention, often hindered the natural breathing and heart processes of the averagely built woman. Or perhaps the inhalation of all the dreadful toxins found in make-up and fabric dyes of the age are to blame? Well whatever the cause I’d like to think we are over the worst of this type of behaviour now –

and yet…………

Do I need to swoon over my partner to know they are “the one”?

As individuals many of us still expect to be greeted by a light-headed, knee wobbling, stomach contracting, overwhelming euphoric experience, when we meet “The One”. Who often turns out to the be 2^nd or even the 3^rd. But how much should we allow this sensation to guide our love choices?

Does swooning over a new partner actually indicate anything about the security of the choice, or the longevity of the romantic connection?

Light headed, knee wobbling..

How essential is it that we fancy our partner to the point of swooning?  Spooler alert – I’m going to be a little controversial here and suggest that it isn’t at all essential!  Feeling balled-over by a new romantic connection is very common. 

Delighting in how someone looks, or how they act can trigger in us great feelings of connection. However this isn’t necessarily a true indicator of a good or healthy connection. 

“Sometimes the presence of a spark is more an indication of how charming someone is -or how narcissistic- and less a sign of a shared connection.”

p.174 L. Ury. How to not die alone. 2021. Piatkus

…And I’m going to suggest that swooning isn’t a good way of determining whether or not we should pursue a relationship with an individual.

Why?

Well, because we all have ‘types’ that appeal to us. These are often informed by our past experiences of what ‘love’ or ‘connections’ have felt like.

This is tricky ground to build a relationship upon. What love feels like to us, doesn’t always come from a pure or healthy connection with others. 

Consider my friend Jenner for example.  Her preference leans unmistakably toward a macho, self-assured, self-absorbed and selfish male with a penchant for witty banter and an unwavering sense of humour.
When she meets such a man, who is overly confident and has the gift of the gab her ‘love-dar’ goes wild. She falls almost spontaneously head over heels for him, giving all of herself immediately and completely.
It’s always a whirl-wind love affair that ends badly. Jenner can’t seem to let go of the desire to experience the headiness that being around such men generates within her.
She always assumes, because she experiences such overpowering emotions, that this must be ‘true love’. That she’s destined to be with this individual. 

If you dig a little deeper however, you would learn that Jenner’s early experiences of connection were not healthy ones. These attractions are actually “attractions of deprivation” not inspiration, to coin a Ken Page term. (Page, K. Deeper Dating. 2015)

Preferring a certain type isn’t always healthy

Jenner’s attractions to her ‘type’ stem from negative and confusing early experiences, which she once accepted as appropriate physical connection. Jenner was abused as a child by an older step-brother who was self-assured, chatty and very persuasive. Although the abuse didn’t extend to intercourse it affected Jenner deeply.  Jenner adopted the belief somewhere along the line, that in a relationship with a man, her role was one of compliance. To allow men to dominate her. To give men what they wanted when they wanted it, and to make them happy at all costs. That this behaviour was programmed into Jenner, had never crossed her mind. That men who were dominant and self-assured appeared desirable because they resembled her early experiences of physical connection, and were therefore familiar to her, was a complete revelation. 

Jenner, by her own admission thought this was how men were ‘meant’ to behave.  It was a complete game-changer for Jenner, relationship-wise, when ConsideringLove.com helped her to finally understand her attractions for what they were.

Thankfully not all physical attractions will be traced back to abusive beginnings. Being aware of where our attractions stem from though can help us to determine if our knee-buckling attractions are actual indicators of a healthy match.

Is swooning the only way to know it’s a good match?

How many of us disregard qualities like kindness, respect or manners? Or consider a person dull simply because they don’t assert their dominance or aren’t outwardly demonstrative? How many of us would choose a gorgeous face or a sexy figure over a gentle caring nature? And what is more powerful in long term attraction, looks or personal qualities? The way someone dresses or the way they treat you? If you’re looking for the right match for you, you might like to consider these questions more deeply. Relying solely on a physical –swooning– response to indicate a good match could reduce your chances of finding real love.

I personally believe that it is entirely possible to develop an attraction for someone who doesn’t make you swoon the first time you meet them.
That you can learn to fancy someone for their personal qualities. For the way they make you feel about yourself, and for the safety you feel in their presence.  

Leave swooning for the movies or for rock concerts, and instead ‘throw your knickers’ at someone who will help you to see your amazing qualities. Someone who will champion and respect you.

For the perfect match find someone who demonstrates the personal attributes you most value, and who aligns with your love needs. 
If you’re not sure what your love needs are or who would be the perfect fit for you, check out Considering Love.com .
Their programmes are designed to help you craft your perfect ‘together forever.’