How do I find “the one”?
“Today’s experts offer advice that goes something like this: Your happiness is something that should come from within and should not be dependent on your lover or mate.”
p.25 Dr. A Levine & R. S.F Heller M.A. Attached 2019. Bluebird
For years we’ve been telling each other (and trying to convince ourselves) that it’s far more attractive and healthier to be independent and able to manage alone.
Yet here you are, like many of us, still asking the question; How do I find “the one”?
“Independence is happiness”
Susan B. Anthony
(https://www.history.com/topics/womens-history/susan-b-anthony)
Why, if independence is touted as beneficial, does human biology compel us to seek companionship? What drives modern society to promote lifelong partnerships? Why do scientific studies consistently underscore the necessity of close connections with others for our survival?”
We are encouraged from every angle to find the illusive “one” or go against nature itself!
But who is the “one” and how do you find them? – Keep reading to find out!
“Science from all fields is telling us very clearly that we are not only social animals, but animals who need a special kind of close connection with others, and we deny this at our peril.”
Dr Sue Johnson (p.22. Hold me Tight)
The problem with finding “the one” is that few of us have been taught what “the one” looks like. What being with them feels like. Or how we’ll know them from their behaviours.
So how are we meant to recognise them?
They’re not going to be holding a sign with your name on it! – so how will you know they’re “the one” destined for you?
Why has everyone else found “the one”, except for me?
For those of us who have been single for what feels like all eternity, we may wrongly assume everyone else has found their soulmate.
Have you noticed when you’re single and longing for a partner, it feels like lovey-dovey couples are everywhere, almost mocking your failure to pair up?
Don’t be misled!
Many individuals may portray themselves as blissfully coupled with “the one”. When questioned however, they struggle to articulate why they chose their life partner.
Some individuals are actively with the [wrong] “one”. Aware of this they remain in the relationship determined to maintain their connection regardless of their wellbeing.
What we see as an outsider is often not an accurate picture of someone’s relationship.
Perhaps the truth is that many of us simply ‘settle’ for someone, rather than no on. Maybe in the rush to conform, find a mate and settle down, we simply hurry the selection process. We proceed to the next stage with little or no thought for our intent or needs.
If divorce rates are anything to go by, I’d say this was a totally plausible conclusion to draw.
“In the United Kingdom, the divorce rate is estimated at 42%, indicating that a significant number of marriages end in divorce.”
(https://austinkemp.co.uk/2023/11/07/divorce-rates-england-2023/#How_many_marriages_end_in_divorce)
To recap; there are those fortunate few who have truly found “the one” (this is the minority group). Some who merely appear to have found “the one”, and others who are desperately fooling themselves that they have found “the one”.
And then there’s you, along with countless other Google searchers, all asking the same age-old question, “how do I find the “one”?
The good news is, those of you who are asking this question, ”how do I find the one”, are actually the closest ones to finding it.
Why?
Simply because it’s much easier to find something you’re actively searching for.
If it’s “the one” you’re seeking, then you’ve made an active choice to narrow down your options, rejecting anyone who isn’t “the one” you’re searching for.
Being able to discern what you’re looking for, and to honour your “love needs” is key number 1 to finding “the one”.
What do you want and need from a loving connection?
So, how do you find the “one”? This question, I believe, is best answered by posing another question first: “What do you want from the ‘one’?”
If your response resembles something along the lines of, “someone who understands me, who values and respects me and actively celebrates all aspects of who I am,” then my subsequent question would be, “do you truly know yourself”?
Key number 2 is to know what motivates you, what brings you joy or ignites your passion? To be aware of what makes you unique and what energises you.
It is vital to recognise the special qualities and talents you possess; your ‘gifts’.
If you haven’t discovered these aspects of yourself yet don’t fret; you’re not alone.
“Your Core Gifts are an essential key to finding and keeping love.”
It is important to know that an understanding all of these elements will help you move closer to finding the right match. Someone with whom you can build your ‘happy ever after’.
In order to address your inquiry and guide you towards finding “the one”, I must first impart a profound insight, that might be challenging to accept.
YOU are a beautiful human being.
Yes you!
Pause for a minute and read that sentence again.
You possess beauty, you are capable and engaging and have many wonderful qualities – despite not having yet found “the one”. You are not unloveable or damaged or flawed.
Did you manage to read that without wincing?
I bet many of you didn’t.
Some of you will definitely have batted that statement aside. But it’s really important to absorb that as a truth if you can, because it directly relates to how you find the “one”.
Demystifying the search for “the one”
To find the “one” you must firstly find yourself! You won’t recognise the “one” when they arrive unless this inner self-knowledge is primed.
“If the person in front of you doesn’t speak your internal language. If they don’t recognise your internal song, you’ll never be able to sing for them – recognise now that they are not the “one” and move on.”
DK.C
If you’re aware of your identity, what nourishes you, and drives your passion, then you’re already ahead of the curve.
However, if what you’ve just read seems confusing or unfamiliar (don’t worry, you’re not alone), brace yourself for an enlightening journey.
First and foremost, it’s important to acknowledge; you are unique. Despite sharing a similar physical form with others and having genetic similarities with your family, you are not an exact replica of anyone else. Emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, you possess your own distinct identity, leading to your individual set of needs, desires, and aspirations. Some of these may not be fully conscious. Additionally, you possess your own special “gifts”.
“Core Gifts are not the same as talents or skills’ in fact, until we understand them, our Core Gifts are often the very qualities we’re most ashamed of, the ones we keep trying to fix or hide because they make us feel so vulnerable.”
These “gifts” aren’t always easy to identify, and they may be rejected or overlooked by many. However, when they are acknowledged and valued they hold a unique power.
By recognising and acknowledging these aspects of yourself, you emit a special energy “when we’re in the Gift Zone we hold a certain luminosity” (K. Page) which draws the attention of those who also appreciate these “gifts”.
You’ll recognise the right company when your “gifts” are embraced and celebrated without needing any prompting.
In essence, by comprehending valuing and protecting these unique aspects of yourself – ones you may have previously ignored or neglected – you’ll notice a shift.
You’ll begin to attract individuals into your inner circle, who reflect these aspects back to you in a positive light.
Experiencing this positive reflection from others can be immensely powerful and intoxicating.
It serves as an ideal foundation on which to build a romantic connection.
When someone new comes into your space this internal knowledge will allow you to quickly evaluate if the match is a healthy and sustainable one.
The more time you spend around people the faster your skills will grow. The more proficient you’ll get at measuring the match. This allows you to either move towards or away from a potential relationship.
The “one” you have been searching for is essentially “the one” who can reflect back to you all the magnificence that resides within you. Aspects you may not be fully aware of. They will see beneath your shape, your age, your health or your earning capacity. And know the you that sits behind your masks, your spoken words and deeds. They will find joy in you and the unique ‘gifts’ you bring to the world.
As you forge a connection with “the one”, you’ll experience a profound sense of empowerment. Realising your full potential without restraint or inhibition.
Why am I still single?
The absence of the right person in your life is directly impacted by you.
While this truth might be difficult to accept, it’s actually empowering news. It means you and only you have the power to alter your situation. You have the freedom to initiate change whenever you feel ready – perhaps even right now?
Whenever you feel ready.
Fulfilling sustainable love, is within your grasp.
Ready to begin your journey into love?
“True love doesn’t find us until we know our worth. This I can tell you from first-hand experience. Until we genuinely embrace and have confidence in our true selves, cherishing and protecting our unique ‘gifts’, we will struggle to find the “one” who can truly love and appreciate us for who we are.”
M Clason
Does your internal love-compass point to ‘true love’?
Our relationships serve as mirrors, reflecting the self-esteem we harbour within us. At times, we recognise the negativity in our self-talk, how we belittle and criticise ourselves. Other times, we’re so immersed in this cycle of self-deprecation that we fail to recognise its detrimental impact on finding love.
We attract a mate who best reflects back to us all that we have internalised about ourselves. The beliefs we live by.
In simple terms, if you believe you’re worthless, you’ll unconsciously seek someone who reinforces this belief.
This can trap you in a harmful relationship cycle that further diminishes your self-esteem.
If you struggle to realise your own amazingness, and if you can’t, hand on heart, say ‘I’m worth it’! Then your internal love-compass isn’t going to be pointing to ‘true love’!
In more spiritual terms, you need to raise your vibration if you want to attract “the one”; If you want to find fulfilling and sustainable love -this is key number 3.
Ready to begin your search for “the one” right now?
If you’re ready to actively start looking for “the one” and feel able to stay true to this path, then you should:
Finding “the one”
You’ll uncover the answer to all of the above by focusing on your personal growth and development.
If all of this seems overwhelming, or if you’re unsure of where to start, you may find ConsideringLove.com’s Recipe for Love Programme helpful.
At ConsideringLove.com you’ll have an opportunity to collaborate with two therapeutic coaches who will help you explore your past experiences of love. You’ll gain insights into the lessons you have internalised, and delve into your perception of self-worth.
You’ll get the chance to thoroughly explore your unique ‘gifts’ and qualities, which you may have overlooked or downplayed until now due to others’ negative perceptions.
Through their Programme, you’ll have the opportunity to reframe your approach to finding true love and accelerate your journey towards meeting “the one.”
To find “the one” you must firstly find the self! You won’t know “the one” when they arrive unless you know yourself intimately.
As part of ConsideringLove.com’s Programme you’ll receive excellent guidance on the skilled art of manifesting. This will ensure that you’re on the fast track to finding love!
Conclusion & Help
Many of us are forced to continue our search for “the one” because we lack a clear understanding of what we truly desire or require from a relationship. We may not have a deep understanding of ourselves. Nor do we know how to nurture our inner selves or fulfil our spiritual needs.
These crucial aspects of self-exploration often goes unaddressed, leaving us without the language to articulate our needs, or communicate them effectively.
A comprehensive understanding of these concepts can only be attained by embarking on a journey of self-knowledge. This is a profound and delicate journey, that is often more fruitful if navigated in company.
While some may find value in studying literature on love and relationships, and others may prefer structured to-do lists, my own experiences have shown me that meaningful changes in our relationships occur when we’re held accountable; which necessitates the presence of a supportive witness.
If you’re ready to begin your journey into love today and would like a little support to get your search for the “one” started then click here
