Would you recognise if your relationship was abusive?
Most of us are familiar with the terms ‘physical and sexual’ abuse. But how many of us truly understand the nature of emotional abuse, and can describe the ways in which this subtle but relentless assault might affect someone?
Is your relationship abusive?
We all experience ‘emotional hurt’ within our relationships at some time or another.
Sometimes we’re guilty of emotionally hurting our partners.
We’re all human after all and programmed to react to emotional triggers.
Most of us have experienced the feeling of ‘flying off the handle’ or saying something unpleasant in the heat of the moment.
In a healthy relationship after we have been hurtful, we take responsibility for our temporary unkindness, and apologise for our actions. We acknowledge how our behaviour has affected the other party, and move on.
However in some relationships feeling hurt or uncomfortable and being left in that space becomes our norm. Our partner doesn’t take responsibility for any pain they have caused us and instead they encourage us to feel responsible for the attack.
But it isn’t always clear what our partner is doing that is causing us to feel this way.
If our discomfort continues for long enough, we often stop noticing it as something out of the ordinary. Gradually we start to normalise it. Sometimes we do this to protect our relationship or to avoid feeling like we’re constantly failing. We might even find ourselves making excuses for why we feel this way. Telling ourselves things like, “I’m hormonal”, or “I’m over sensitive”, or “it’s just his/her way, they don’t mean anything by it”.
Do you find yourself making excuses for your partners bad behaviour?
Do you find yourself feeling that something is ‘off’ in your relationship but you can’t quite put your finger on it?
Perhaps the word ‘abuse’ sounds too extreme for your partner’s behaviour -but somewhere deep down inside of you, that’s exactly how you feel- abused.
Is my relationship abusive?
Let’s face it, ABUSE is a big ugly word. Many of us wouldn’t consider using it to describe the experience of our relationship, even if we do feel emotionally wounded by our partners actions.
The general definition of abuse, “cruel or violent treatment“, does not cover the many subtle but relentless behaviours of a partner, that can cause us to feel uncomfortable within a relationship.
Abuse might seem too strong or too serious a label to describe what we are experiencing, and so instead we convince ourselves that the negativity or controlling behaviour of our partner, is just “how they are”.
Understanding the many faces of abuse is often the first step towards reclaiming your freedom.
What are the signs that your relationship is out of balance?
The following could all be signs that there is an imbalance of power within your relationship
These are just a few examples, there are too many to include them all here. If you recognise any of these in your own relationship, then maybe it’s time to look a little deeper and ask yourself some difficult questions?
I always think it’s worth asking-
Why wouldn’t your partner want the best for you? Why wouldn’t they cheer you on, celebrate your talents, or encourage you to do the things that light you up?
A loving partner should want you to thrive, whether that’s chasing big dreams, spending time with friends, or simply feeling safe and valued.
So if they don’t… why not?
Love should always be a freeing and enlarging experience, not a diminishing or entrapping one.
Is it time to ask yourself…
Some challenging questions ?
It can be really difficult to see the truth of your relationship when you’re living it daily.
Further questions you might want to explore
1] Around your partner do you often feel unsure of yourself, and easily manipulated because they are so convincing, and you want so desperately for everything to be good or calm between you? Does this feeling make you feel unstable?
2] Do you hold onto the belief that things could be great with your partner? You’ve shared some lovely moments, and you know they’re capable of being kind and loving. But somehow, that warmth never seems to last. Could it be that they give you just enough to keep you hoping things will change?
3] Do you swing between desperately loving your partner, and feeling completely wretched because of the way they make you feel; unstable and uncertain of your own mind. Do you feel completely powerless to challenge them about this?
4] Do you ever feel unsafe around your partner, physically or emotionally? It is important to remember that it isn’t just physical threats that makes people feel unsafe.
5] Do you feel completely powerless to leave your relationship because your partner has convinced you that “no one could ever love you like they do“?
The power balance within a relationship and what it reveals.
If your partner continually makes decisions on your behalf and likes to be in control of everything, it is possible that they need to take this ‘power role’ in order to feel okay about themselves. If this is how your relationship looks it’s important to remember it’s not about you, what you’re doing, or not doing. Even if your partner repeatedly tells you that they “know what’s best for you”, or tells you that you “need looking after”. This is always about them and their needs!
The painful truth is, that if you have a power imbalance like this in your relationship it is unlikely to change without outside support. The chances of your partner recognising and shifting their behaviour without input is very small indeed. In this kind of relationship your needs are likely to be neglected as their’s own needs will always over ride everything else. Your need for independence, acceptance, valuing, and understanding may go completely unnoticed throughout your entire relationship.
This is not a dynamic that you can fix without some therapeutic input.
While researching what emotional abuse means for this article, I came across an amazing website which explains clearly in the most accessible language, what emotional abuse looks like.
If you’d like to learn more take a look at this site and this one.
If you relate to any of this article then you might find it helpful to talk to someone. There are support links at the bottom of this blog to guide you.
Freeing yourself from an abusive relationship starts with acknowledging and accepting the truth of your situation.
What do I do if I’m in an abusive relationship?
Freeing yourself from an abusive relationship is not as impossible as it may feel.
If you’ve read the articles above and can identify such behaviours within your own relationship, then the chances are that you are in an abusive relationship.
Take a moment to consider this.
If this news has taken you by surprise then I encourage you to be kind to yourself, and (if you can) take some time out today for yourself.
Dealing this news isn’t easy, don’t expect it to make sense straight away.
Moving on from an abusive relationship
Changing your life and moving beyond your current relationship is possible, but recognising your partner’s behaviour as abusive can often be a startling truth.
You don’t have to panic or make any sudden changes to your life, not unless you want to.
I am certain you will have many questions, and the urge to make judgements about yourself as you digest all this information, will be difficult to avoid. Remember no one is beyond emotional abuse. It isn’t a condition reserved for people who live in poverty or those who aren’t educated. Emotional abuse is found in all walks of life, in all types of romantic relationships.
You are not alone, many people are experiencing the pain of emotional abuse right now, just like you.
At the bottom of this article are links which might help you find necessary support when you feel ready.
Giving yourself permission to accept what you know inside as the truth, is actually the hardest part.
“We are often so worn down by the behaviours of our partner, that second guessing ourselves has become our first instinct. “
M Clason
So is my relationship abusive or not: Am I living in a toxic partnership?
It can be extremely difficult to pinpoint toxicity within a relationship when you’re living it daily. It is often only after you leave that you begin to understand just how toxic your connection was.
An abusive relationship is a bit like being exposed to a toxic gas.
It’s difficult to know if you have really been exposed or not because you cannot seen or often smell the toxic gas.
It is only when we start to notice changes happening in our bodies or our minds, that we might question if we have been exposed to something harmful.
Just as with prolonged exposure to a toxic gas, being in a toxic relationship creates a downturn in your health. Little things at first, headaches maybe, or stomach upsets or unexplained aches and pains. Perhaps a feeling of being unwell but you’re unable to pinpoint exactly what’s wrong. Nothing very dramatic at first and always something that you could put down to any number of other things; diet, stress at work, underlying physical health conditions etc.
This is how toxic relationships are.
Something feels off, but you can’t put your finger on what, or what the cause of it is.
So how do you recognise a toxic relationship?
Carry out a health check would be my first suggestion.
Maybe you have been experiencing some physical conditions; insomnia, depression, headaches or stomach issues, (to suggest a few)?
Perhaps you have begun to rely on unhealthy coping mechanisms to balance yourself and keep yourself feeling okay? (smoking, drinking, drug taking, compulsive shopping, gambling, reckless sexual behaviours etc). Maybe you have noticed that you are withdrawing from social settings, or you are choosing to have less contact with family or close friends.
Change is often the first indicator that something might not be right in your current relationship.
It is always wise, if you notice any changes in your health, to visit a health practitioner to rule out any serious physical conditions.
Like toxic gas, toxic relationships also affect your mental wellbeing.
They can change the way you think, feel and interact with the world around you.
They often affect your ability to make choices and decisions for yourself.
Are doubting yourself more often? Are you overly critical of your body? Have you started to question your memory or your ability to reason?
Do you second guess yourself in the presence of your partner?
The result of being in the vicinity of a toxic gas or a toxic relationship, is that gradually things make less and less sense. Your mind becomes fuzzy and experiences within the relationship get harder and harder to understand clearly.
It becomes difficult for the person experiencing abuse to see what is happening to them.
Gradually you feel less comfortable in your own skin. Your mood plummets, your energy reduces and your enthusiasm for your own life starts to disappear.
This is what toxic relationships do to people living in them.
This, is what abuse does to the person experiencing it.
Abuse often creeps in unnoticed, and gradually poisons your system.
Abuse stops you from growing, and reduces you at every turn.
Take a moment now to think about the quality of your own relationship, with your current partner.
What do you notice?
An emotionally abusive relationship isn’t always easy to spot.
When the things that make you uncomfortable within the relationship are raised, a manipulative or controlling partner will work hard to make you believe that you are the problem!
Emotionally abusive people are masters of manipulation.
You won’t know an abusive partner by sight alone, so forgive yourself now if you are only just realising that your relationship is abusive.
It’s time now for some self-care.
Regardless of what you intend to do about your abusive relationship, it’s time to pause and look after you. It takes time to allow such an uncomfortable truth to settle inside you. So your only job right now is to be gentle with yourself.
If it’s safe to do so, finding someone you can trust and confide in is the key to moving through this maze.
Finding time to read the articles below may also help you find further direction and support.
Moving beyond an abusive relationship
How often do we ignore or cover up our gut feelings?
Moving on from an abusive relationship starts with acceptance of what is. We don’t have to judge this, we don’t have to say “my partner is a terrible person”, or “I’m an idiot for letting this happen to me”.
We don’t have to stop accepting or even loving our partner, but we do have to start seeing the ‘shape’ of us in their presence.
How we change ourselves, how small and insular we become, how fearful or low we feel, and in what ways we choose to numb out, or avoid life as a result of our suffering.
Ultimately we have to decide – do we want to continue to live as we are, or do we want to find a different kind of love?
Deciding we want more from our lives and our relationship, and wanting to move forward can sometimes be blocked by a deep-rooted sense that we don’t deserve more. Sometimes this is because of historic abuse, or neglect in other areas of our lives. Sometimes it’s because our current partner keeps reminding us that “no one else will ever love us, the way they do”.
If this sounds familiar you might like to take a look at my page on coercive control.
If you went through something really tough when you were younger, it might make it harder to leave a bad relationship now. You might need time and the right support to heal before you feel ready to walk away. And that’s okay, you don’t have to rush.
If you feel ready to talk to someone but you are fearful of taking the next step, you might find some of the links at the bottom of this blog helpful.
Finding a healthy loving relationship
Before you can begin to consider moving into a healthy relationship, you may benefit from exploring your attitudes and beliefs around love, and your ‘lovability’.
At ConsideringLove.com I work hard to help single people begin their journey into love from every starting point.
Finding love after abuse is possible, but it often takes time to navigate this successfully.
If you’d like to see if working with me is the right fit for you, I am offering a free 20 minute consultation with no pressure to book any further sessions.
These links below are worth checking out if you think you might be experiencing abuse within your relationship.
Even if you’re not ready to call it ‘abuse’, please take a look.
- Victim Support: a charity supporting those through traumatic experiences.
- National Domestic Abuse Helpline: freephone, 24-hour helpline.
- Women’s Aid: a charity which aims to end domestic abuse against women.
- ManKind: support for men experiencing domestic abuse.
- Relate: a charity providing support to couples, families and young people.
- Refuge: supporting women against domestic violence and abuse.
- International Domestic Violence Resource Guide (2024)
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